just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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