Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
