we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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