we have officially lost it.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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