You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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