3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
