i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
