There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Randomize
