Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
