He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
