M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
