ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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