hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
