already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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