If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
