its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
