If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
