There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
