I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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