I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
