im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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