I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
