is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
