oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize