he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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