I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
