I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
You left your phone here
Wait...
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