So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
