She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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