K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
