Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
