I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
