shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
