Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize