i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
