I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
