You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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