hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
