So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize