tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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