does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize