Just fell off a train. Bad.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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