Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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