Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
