I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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