that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Randomize