yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
