My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
