Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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