i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
