Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
