Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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