Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
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