the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
