My first STD was from a foam party
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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