if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I'm having to shit out rocks
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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