I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
