I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
