Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
